Since it’s too hot to venture outside at the moment and this particular topic has been weighing on me heavily in recent weeks I decided to touch on another topic that is not necessarily weight loss surgery related. I often see WLS patients saying that after surgery they are no longer able to deal with their significant other and cheat or end up divorced, but I wonder if this spreads into their other relationships (work, family, friends etc). As I slowly find myself subconsciously “cutting” people from my life I can’t help but wonder if this isn’t apart of the metamorphosis? Or is this just my anxiety and depression telling me lies so I can justify my solitude.
This secret was up on Post Secret a while ago and it’s what started me down this rabbit hole. Except scratch out male and insert I need to find people who truly appreciate me. If there’s one thing I have learned in the last year, and especially the last quarter of school is that I am much stronger and independent than I give myself credit for. Anymore lately I find myself wanting to be alone than with others simply because it doesn’t feel like my efforts are appreciated. I am so thankful for my small circle of friends who have gotten me through this last year. Without them I would probably be a complete mess.
I have always been a firm advocate and cheerleader of the principle that you curate your family, it doesn’t have to be blood, and just because you are related to them doesn’t make them your family if they can’t respect you. I time and time again stand by friends and help them move past toxic relationships that aren’t nurturing their soul anymore or at all. All the while turning a blind eye to the energy vampires in my life and neglecting my own emotional needs.
I am a very giving person, a perfectionist, and a people pleaser which can be a blessing and curse. I long abandoned “real” religion and adopted two ways of thinking after coming across these two quotes by the Dalai Lama the first:
“This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.”
The second being:
“Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them.”
I find that I am most happy when I am serving, and helping others. If I can do anything to make someone smile or their day a little easier or better I will do it. Often times at my own expense of time, energy or effort. I don’t do it for praise or with any expectation but because it makes me happy to bring joy to others. I am also very careful about how my actions, or lack their of might effect others as I would never want to intentionally cause pain. This causes me to give endlessly, and in the past it was probably because I didn’t think I was worth investing in, so if I could help someone else it made my life have purpose.
I just figured kindness was a common through out others. However in this day of instant downloads, and online ambiguity common courtesy has gone out the door. More often than not any new connection I make would rather ignore someone they don’t want to see or talk to anymore rather than being honest. This can be temporarily or they end up ghosting them disappearing all together leaving the other person dumbfounded and lost without closure. What is ghosting? It’s when someone just disappears like a ghost ignoring all contact and giving no explanation. In fact this behavior is so common place these days that huff post did a whole article on how it’s becoming the new normal amongst men leaving lovers. but I find that ladies are just as guilty of it, and it’s not just happening in romantic relationships. As someone that has social anxiety and is in a semi-delicate place at the moment ghosting is something that scares the shit out of me because I have been abandoned in the past.
After spending the last year cutting the fat (literally) from my life, I am in a place where I don’t have time our energy to continue cultivating relationships with people who might ghost me, or others for that matter. I call these types of relationships fast food relationships because their like the McDonald’s equivalent of soul food and they leave you feeling shitty or empty afterword. McDonald’s doesn’t give a shit if you end up in agony after and either do the ghosts.
I am sure I am not the only weight loss patient who put up with a lot of emotional neglect because they didn’t feel like they were worth it. It’s fucked up it takes losing another humans worth of weight to realize it, but once you do don’t forget it. I encourage everyone to fill your lives with people that value you and drop the ones that don’t. A lesson I’ve had to learn is talk is cheap and if they can say how much they care but every other actions proves otherwise then they aren’t really their or healthy for you. I am going to leave you with one last quote as it helped me feel a little less broken when I realized my bullshit detector might be broken causing me to want to hide from the world. Just because people have fucked you over in the past doesn’t mean that everyone’s a ghost or a vampire so don’t be afraid to get back out there. Don’t be taken advantage of and be inspired to have a life full of soul food, and not fast food relationships.